She 8 and ate,
Emptying her plate,
Knowing she'd hate
Herself at 7.

Not so 4, at 9
It was all over. The swine
Had flushed the 4 courses
2 Heaven.

A Matter of Life and Death

I feel trapped in my life,
Never leave home without a knife.
A bad mood, A bad feeling is
Just a cut away from healing.
For as you see
Bleeding is healing for me
Running, wet, and red
Quiets the voices in my head.
Scars and scars galore
Each and everyone, I adore.
The object of cutting, you see
Is to sooth my soul without losing me.
To lose me, To lose my head
Would surely mean that I'd be dead.
So Cut and Cut
I continue to do.
Until I find another way
To save my life each and every day.

A Life You'll Never Know

I have to see my blood
I have to know my heart
I have to feel the flood
That flows to keep us apart
I have to taste the salt
I have to cry the tears
I have to know its my fault
I have to face my fears
  I have to feel the pain
I have to see the colour
I have to hid the stain
For it must remain undercover
I have to blame myself
I have to use the blade
I know I need no help
Sooner or later the cuts will fade
I have to deal with things in my way
I have no choice
Look at them and hear what I say
These cuts are my voice
I have to tell you go get away from me
I have to tell you to go
I have to make you see
A live you'll never know.

I cry out in despair
You come running,
Arms open, ready
To protect me from the world.
If only you knew
That it's myself
I need protection from.

How Can I Expect You 2 Understand

How can I make you understand when you wont listen when I explain?
That's the only reason I turn to a blade is 2 help release the pain
I know its weird and I could do it another way
But 2 me this way gets me through today
I'm not a freak I'm just alone
Waiting 4 you 2 understand my tone
Its not that I don't love you
Its not that I don't care
Its just that I'm in a lot of pain that 2 me just aint fair
Its not that I cant smile its not like I don't laugh
Its just that inside I have this aching pain that for ever seems you last.
You complain when I draw pictures of me
Of the way things should be
With me 6 feet under
And for you 2 forever wander
Why I would do that kinda thing to you
But maybe if you understood id still be alive
Today

The pain inside cannot be seen
Unseen, therefore un-real
Red hot burning strokes
Pain, anguish, all unreal
Red-hot tears flowing down my arms.
The pain un-real, suddenly becomes real
Surroundings become clear
Fear flows freely
Breath in, breath out
Pull yourself together girl
Roll down your sleeves and get on with life.
The inside can now be seen

Its An Addicton

It's a cycle so vicious no-one ever wins
It starts with self hate
And ends up so much worse.
Its an addiction, so hard to break
I started it to escape
From the world and all the realities.
After not too long I started looking for a way out
From the tool I used to escape.
Its an addiction, so hard to break
It may not be the most ideal way of coping with life
But at the time it was all I could get.
I grasped it with both hands
But when I wanted to let go
It had over me a strong hold
With almost no way out.
Its an addiction, so hard to break.

Cutting

I cut myself,
Because I feel
Dead inside.
Blood makes me
Feel real.
I don't
Understand
How I feel
Until I cut:
The deeper,
The Better.
Blood understands,
Blood knows the pain,
And failure of
My many Choices.

I'll Never Win

So many questions
So little time
Sometimes I ask
Am I loosing my mind?
So many decisions
I know I can't make
So much criticism
I simply just can't take.
I can't please everyone
Though I always will try.
Sometimes I get discouraged
But I don't know why!
I hate all the pressures
That are brought upon me.
Too many decisions
That I'd rather there be
I just can't stand it
Don't know what to do
To feel what I feel...
...if only you knew
I'm not looking for sympathy
I just wish it would end.
But I feel it's a battle
That I'll never win.

Scars of a Lifetime

These scars I wear
Are courage medal's
Of battles long past
Each scar has a story
And how I wish I
Could say the
Pain is only
Skin deep.
These medals
Are scars of a
Lifetime. My
Own little
Memory book
Right on my skin.
To tell you, I'd
Have to surrender
And I'm not
Quite ready for
That and
Until that day
Comes, I'll
Continue adding
To my collection
Of memories.
These memories
Like a children's
Fairy tale gone
Incredibly gruesome
Are all part of
My emotional
Makeup.
Without them
Who would I be?
But with them
I have scars
I am strong
For these memories-
Are scars of a lifetime.